I cannot find my penis.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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