I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize