I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
