omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
