Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
