You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
