So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
