Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
