i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
