she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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