my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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