six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
