You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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