Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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