soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
