If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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