jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
