I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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