1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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