So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize