just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
