She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
