Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
