My nipple is on Facebook.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
