I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
