I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
