you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
