I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
