addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Randomize
