We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize