she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize