I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
