So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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