I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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