Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
