your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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