im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
