discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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