I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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