I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
a search helicopter?!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
