you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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