i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
