sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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