My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
