I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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