I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
