i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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