He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize