that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
