So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
