there's paper in my vomit.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
