my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
