it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
im six kinds of drunk right now
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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