What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
