Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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