My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
