am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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