that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just gargled with NyQuil
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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