I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
