My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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