There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I lost the right to judge tonight
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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