Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
