When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
