i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
