remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize