My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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