i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
