Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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