I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
