Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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