I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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