so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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