Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
