It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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