i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
